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Adventures in the Forbidden Zone #121
Copyright (c) 1991 Patrick D. Scannell
EMPLOYEE RELATIVE VALUE RANKING INPUT FORM
NAME: Pragma Q. Paige DATE: day of reckoning
In order to best participate in the RVR process your input
is essential. This information will be used to remind your
manager who you are and exactly what it is you do around
here, anyway. If anything. It will also be a black mark on
your permanent record.
A. Criteria (yes, Virginia, there are Criteria)
Job Performance (performance against goals/job
expectations)
During the past year, what have been your key
achievements and/or accomplishments against goals? In
favor of goals?
I'm not sure what you mean by "key." I found the
key to my filing cabinet. Is that what you had in
mind?
What goals remain unmet and why?
Failed to get laid off. Again. I guess I don't
live right.
Failed to make V.P. of Engineering. No vacancies
this year. (At least, that's what they told me.)
Forgot to have person or persons who concocted
this form assassinated. I'll make a note of it,
though.
Value of Skills (breadth, depth and criticality)
What are your most important skills? Why do you
consider them key?
C and UNIX programming skills. Because everybody
else does.
Protective Coloration
C
Patience
UNIX
High Pain Threshold
UNIX and C
Sense of Humor (Helps to keep my coworkers sane,
which in turn makes me more productive by keeping
the screaming and sobbing to a minimum.)
UNIX or C
Ability to invent useful-sounding names for
useless skills.
Did I mention C xor UNIX?
What training, reading or job assignments have expanded
your skills?
I attended training classes in our excellent
Inspection Process and our exciting Software
Engineering Process Architecture, thus expanding
my Inspection skills and my Adhering to SEPA
skills. I also read the ISO 9001 Quality Manual,
thus enhancing my Not Being The One Who Screws Up
Our ISO 9000 Certification And Loses His Job
skills.
What were the key or changed skill requirements
requested of you over the past year?
I had to develop new organizational and decision-
making skills to cope with a plethora of satirical
targets far beyond the energy and ability of any
mere mortal.
Potential for Broader Contribution (ability to manage
more resources, handle critical projects, move into
other functions, move up one or more levels, and
relocate)
I'm ready to move up to Vice President of
Engineering any time now. Everybody says so. If
I have to relocate to the fifth floor, so be it.
List the assignments, work teams and/or projects in
which you participated or took a leadership role.
Describe your contribution.
I get it. This is a trick question. You're going
to compare this list with the "Accomplishments
For/Against Goals" section I already filled in and
see if they match up. Well, the joke's on you,
because I left them both blank.
In what ways did you do things or contribute
differently in your current job over the past year?
All jokes are now FDA inspected, have the Good
Horsekeeping Seal of Approval, and read the same
backwards as forward.
Bull Values (risk taking, team player, respect for
people, customer orientation, receptivity to change,
results orientation, and "can do" behaviours to name a
few)
Risk taking: Just staying around here is more
risk than most people can handle.
Respect for people: You stupid twit! You've got
a lot of nerve questioning my respect for
people!
Receptivity to change: I've written code on 93
projects using seventeen programming languages on
twelve operating systems running on nine hardware
platforms. Meanwhile I've been through 507
reorganizations under seven different company
names. All without changing offices. And
survived.
"Can do" attitude: I had one until I started
filling out this damned form!
"Can Do" attitude: I'm not sure if I have this,
but I can get it.
What have you done that demonstrates these values?
As a CIP project I implemented Bull values under
MS Windows, using the tools provided by Affinity.
This implementation was demonstrated for a number
of people in the Mission group.
In what circumstances have others recognized you for
these values?
Let's face it, I am the living embodiment of Bull
values. You can't swing a cat around this place
without hitting someone who's said four or five
times, "Pragma? He's a risk taker, but he's a
team player. And boy, does he have respect for
people!" "Yes, that's true. It's so surprising
in someone so results oriented." "Yeah, but he's
just that kind of 'can do' guy."
B. Development
What are your short (next 12 months) and long (12+
months) term career interests? What support do you
need to achieve them?
Short term: VP of Engineering.
Support needed: not getting fired or laid off, and
of course our current V.P. getting on the stick
and getting promoted.
Long term: President of the United States
Support needed: a tremendous write-in campaign and
a viable Vice Presidential candidate.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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