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The United States awoke to find that the long national nightmare is over. Thanks to Ohio moving its primary up to last Tuesday, the presidential campaign is history.

Dejected campaign staffs were seen packing boxes at both Democratic and Republican candidate headquarters in Washington.

"It just made sense to us. With California's report last week; we knew the Diebold voting machines we'd spent millions on were as trustworthy as Vista, but we didn't have the money left to print paper ballots for the whole state. By announcing the election was last week, we didn't need to.." said an unnamed senior Ohio election official. "We asked for a refund, but Diebold told us to read the fine print on the EULA..."

He denied the sudden move had anything to do with other states' recent frantic leapfrogging to have the first primary. "It was all budgeting... when we got bids back on the printing cost, we knew we were in trouble."

Other states reacted with outrage. "How DARE Ohio spoil our show?" said one small Northeastern state Senate's majority member.

Ohio plans to release the results after a mandatory recount of all 11 test ballots; mockups created to seek bids from printers. With no polling data, there's rampant speculation as to the winner. The national press is rushing correspondents to Columbus for the announcement.

A furor broke out over the eligibility of the four listed candidates

William Henry Harrison
James A Garfield
Warren G Harding
William McKinley

to serve as all have been elected President before. But since the 22nd Amendment was ratified after their tenure, there's a difference between Constitutional scholars if it even applies. Further, only McKinley served even part of a second term.

There's far less dispute over the fact they are all dead. "I've looked everywhere and can not find anything that explicitly requires a candidate to be alive.." said one expert. And he added ".....and besides, could they be worse than what we now have?"

The White House had no comment. The guards at the Vice President's home at the Naval Observatory turned away all press, but a plume of smoke was visible from the building's incinerator.

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